Ernest Hemingway:

As Ernest Hemingway once said...
'All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.'

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

kiss of death (and boom goes the dynamite!)

This sucks. What a shitty way to die. She didn't even get to enjoy eating peanuts before the reaper sucked her away! I mean, if you're going to die of a peanut allergy, you should go all out. Eat cartons of the damn things.

I myself can't imagine living without peanuts. No peanut butter, no Snickers, no Paydays (hardly any candy bars, actually), no peanut M&Ms (or peanut butter ones - the horror!). I'm addicted to peanut butter. It's so good. I could eat an entire jar at one time, I'm sure (probably then get violently ill - but oh so worth it).

It makes me wonder, though. He ate the sandwich hours earlier. Either he was a nasty disgusting slob who can't wipe his mouth (or even lick the residue off) (wait, he was a teenager), or they were full-on making out. Why scare the little kiddies saying it was just a kiss? Oh yeah, that's what the news is all about. Shock factor. How could I have forgotten, in the day and age of Fox News?

Oh and by the way, thanks a ton, channel 5, for picking up that traffic whore Kathleen England from channel 2. She's a freak. If I have to hear her complain about the cold or say 'sunshine slowdown' one more time I'll spew. I'm no expert, but how do these people actually make it to network news? She should be stuck in Columbia doing the college news. They are SO BAD.

And speaking of hilarious college anchors, this is one for the ages. Go there and watch it - I promise it won't disappoint. This kid was actually on Letterman (in the audience) talking about this newscast. Freaking hilarious. This is courtesy of Crazy Daddy in KC - he showed it to his groomsmen the night of the bachelor party, so Q led them in saying it after his wedding ceremony. Sounds stupid, but it was so appropriate at this affair.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

what nightmares are made of

Sam, the ugliest dog in the world (literally - he won the contest twice) died on Friday. Let's have a moment of silence for the ugly fucker.

I'd love to see the two dogs that created this freakshow. This dog is thanking his lucky stars for no kill shelters - if the InHumane Society had gotten a hold of him, he'd have been a goner.

This has got to be the most hilarious dog I've ever seen, and we've got some real treats around our neighborhood, so that's saying a lot. In fact, the other night I was walking my hound, and this little dog behind a big ol' fence went apeshit. It was one of those little yapper dogs, all white and frumpy looking (the ones that always look dirty). The little shit got under the fence and came at us! It wasn't mean. It just wanted to sniff us. I knew I had to take it home. I couldn't just leave it to get run over. But the little bastard wouldn't let me pick it up. I had to grab hold of my hound's head so she wouldn't eat it (remember, she's killed a chihuahua), and somehow walk the thing back to its house. It followed us with its nose up my hound's ass (poor baby - I should have let her have at it). I get to the front porch, knock, and no one answers (though there's a car out front and lights on). I ring the doorbell and knock again, still no answer. I finally have to tie up my hound, pick this thing up, and put it back inside the fence.

What kind of freak leaves a dog outside if they're not home? I guess a lot of people do that. It's always smart to make sure it can't get out of the fence before you do that, though. DUR!
They're lucky I was around. How many people would go to all that trouble for someone else's dirty, haggard, yappy dog?

Monday, November 21, 2005

my inner monster

Your Monster Profile
Iron Claw
You Feast On: Tofu
You Lurk Around In: The Backseats of Cars
You Especially Like to Torment: Your Exes

Friday, November 18, 2005

the drunken elderly

When I'm old and decrepit, please send me to a place like this. It can be the crappiest place in the world, as long as it has a bar. After all, if I'm drunk all day long, who cares what the bed's like, or what the food's like? In fact, you can skip the home all together - just park my ass in a barstool at the corner bar, or wheel me in there and put on the brakes.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

fun with cats

Wow. I heard about this website, but had no idea of it's hilarity. People put food, clothes, electronics, you name it on their cats, take a picture, and send it in. I'd love to have this much free time.

Monday, November 14, 2005

boycott Harrah's

Dear Harrah's,

Last Saturday night, my sister, her boyfriend, myself, and my husband decided to go to a casino to celebrate my sister's birthday. We always go to Ameristar, but I had recently been to Harrah's with a couple of my friends and liked it better, so I convinced them to go to Harrah's instead. They were up for it.

We got there, they got cards and a gift certificate to Imo's, we signed up for an Ipod giveaway, and went into the Mardi Gras side to get drinks. I had gone to the ATM right before arriving at the casino, and got out $60. I had no other cash. My sister's boyfriend bought the first round of drinks. I put $20 into a nickel machine, and we played for a while. Then I decided to go and buy the second round of drinks. I took my sister with me.

We went to the bar and ordered three drinks. The bartender told me it would be $5.50, which was so cheap. I was surprised. I handed him a $20 - I know this because the ATM had given me 3 $20 bills, and all I had spent so far was $20 on the nickel machine. He handed me my change, and I left him a $1.50 tip - pretty good, right? I turned around to put my money in my wallet, and noticed there were only 3 ones. I thought maybe I heard the total wrong. I asked the bartender how much the total was, and he repeated, $5.50, then walked away. I waited for him to come back, and told him I had given him a $20 and he had given me change for a $10. He completely blew it off, saying that was impossible. He completely refused to count down the drawer. I argued a little bit, but not much. What could I do? I understand retail. You can't just give everyone who asks for it a $10. So, feeling defeated, we walked away.

A few minutes later though, I decided to go to a supervisor. I found someone in a suit, and told him the story. He called over two women. I told them the story, and they agreed to go over there and count the drawer. We waited nearby, for nearly 10 minutes. They came back over, explaining that they hadn't found the $10. Actually, they said, the drawer was $5 short.

I thanked them, and told them again that though they didn't find it, I was 100% sure I gave the guy a $20. I told them that if the drawer was $5 short, then that seemed to be indicative of a bigger problem. I was not happy at all.

Would I have gone for a supervisor, and waited for 10 minutes while they counted down the drawer if I was lying? I think not. And it's a little insulting that I should be convinced I was wrong because the drawer was $5 short. To me, that means someone behind the bar can't count, or is pocketing money. I would be worried, if I were you.

I know that $10 is nothing to you. But it is to me. I am an administrative assistant, scraping every little bit to get by. I don't go to casinos much, because frankly, I don't have the money to spare. I am angered over this $10. And the worst part is that I convinced my family to come to Harrah's instead of Ameristar! Well, never again. You can bet on that.


A Disappointed Customer

**For all you gamblers out there, boycott these whores. I know it's only $10, but it's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. Just give me my money. What kind of moron would stand there and wait if they were lying? It's fucking insulting.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

the magic of Trading Spouses part II

Wow, what a huge disappointment. The previews were absolutely hilarious - I actually taped this episode so I wouldn't miss fatty yelling 'I am a god warrior!' Unfortunately, the big ending was extremely sad and depressing. A little funny, yes, but that was totally overshadowed. Fatty just stomped around, yelling about how horrible her time was, and that she wouldn't take the money given out to her family by a non-christian. She kept saying the other family was 'dark sided', but it sounded more like 'dork sided', so that was kind of funny. Her family was visibly embarrassed. And I think that would take a lot, being that they live with her every day.

The worst part was that when the wives met, fatty convinced nice mom that her family was mean and non-understanding. Nice mom actually went home to have it out with them about it. Then she heard her family's side, and totally changed her tune. She seemed to have such a good experience, but fatty had to go and ruin it all, all because she's so damn self-righteous and insecure that she couldn't take anything at all away from the experience.

Funny, though, how fatty changed her tune about the money when $20,000 was allocated towards a stomach-stapling operation. Then it was okay to take it. Though I would think that, being so insanely religious, she wouldn't have an operation like that done. You have to take vitamins and stuff like that. Seems a little 'dork sided' to me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

new rules

This definitely fits my mood today. Well, every day. Thanks, CB.

New Rules

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! Note from NJ: forget sliding your own card, now they expect you to scan everything yourself. For free! We're doing their job for free!

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

15. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

16. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


Monday, November 07, 2005

definitely R-rated

Q and I went to good ol' Columbia this weekend to visit our bestest friends, CB & V. I like going to visit them because they let us bring the hound, and also because their house is so darn cute. CB is quite the decorator. And both are dedicated readers of my blog...awww. We always have tons of fun when we get together. We drink a lot, get very loud, and totally obnoxious. But it's hilarious, as long as you are also drinking. Poor V couldn't partake this time, so he had to put up with us. It's probably a good thing we always stay in and drink. We'd probably drive everyone nuts, and then there's that whole drinking and driving thing. No need for that.

I happened to take some notes from the evening. Some of the things coming out of CB's mouth were just too tasty to pass up. The funny thing is that we weren't even that drunk. So, here are some snippets for everyone's entertainment. Warning: we aren't above being totally dirty and inappropriate, so these comments may not be suitable for the weak at heart or the youngsters. In fact, as a group, it's what we do best.

NJ: What the hell am I grabbing?
Q: A bum tickler. (it was actually a cat toy)

CB (to Q): I give you sucky-sucky.

NJ (on the topic of musk): Have you ever tasted White Castle musk?
CB: No, but I've tasted green bean musk.

NJ as drunk Whitney: I only eat Bobby Brown.
CB as drunk Oprah, laughing: That made me fart. (yes, Oprah farts too)

CB: When it's half a mile up your ass you've got to dig for that shit - it's like spelunking. (fortunately I can't remember the context of this statement and am trying to not concentrate on the obvious)

Some highlights:
*Q screamed like a little girl at one point (not unusual at all - he's got a freakishly high scream)
*CB gnawed on my feet
*We discussed why you can't delete a cell phone message until you've heard the entire thing. What is that all about? How difficult can it be to change that? It's the worst when someone purse-dials, and all you get is a five minute message of car noises.
*Q bought some vampire teeth gummies at Patricia's IGA (where, interestingly enough, they have legalized absinthe and 60$ vodka). Upon further inspection, when turned upside down, they looked much more like the female anatomy than teeth. As you can imagine, this induced a plethora of jokes and disgusting comments.

We also went to a newer restaurant (Columbia is full of good ones - Booche's, Murray's, Shakespeare's, Bankok Gardens) called Jazz, a cajun place. It was fantastic. We had crawfish (really good ones, for Missouri anyway), oysters, jambalaya, shrimp, po boys, and frozen rum runners. Yum.

Good times. V, after re-reading (and trying to decipher) my notes from the evening, I sincerely apologize. We must have annoyed the hell out of you. Thank goodness you love us. I highly recommend everyone take notes when drinking. It's very entertaining the next day, especially if you are like me, and are constantly amazed (and horrified) by what comes out of your mouth after a few drinks.

V, send me the link! You know what I'm talking about. I will hunt you down. And make CB do one too!

Wow. I just spell checked this entry, and it didn't recognize the word blog. Hmmm...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

the magic of Trading Spouses

Did anyone catch Trading Spouses last night on Fox? Don't be judgin' - Lost wasn't on, and I don't have cable, okay? Anyway, it was a super religious mom that traded spaces with a hypnotherapist hippie mom. Not too weird, since these shows seem to go for total opposites. But the one mom wasn't just religious, she was a complete zealot. And had to weigh at least 300 pounds.

Needless to say, she didn't get along with the new family very well. They're very open, into astrology and celebrating the solstice, stuff like that. Seemed pretty cool to me. I won't get into the particulars. I'll just elaborate on two things that really got me.

First, the hippie lady had to meet fat religious lady's church friends for lunch. They came over to the house and immediately started grilling her about what religion she was. She was very cool about it, and didn't want to get into particulars, trying to avoid a confrontation. She basically said that she believes that everyone is equal, and should live harmoniously with the earth (or some crap like that). One friend said, very judgementally, 'So we're equal to child molesters and murderers?' Hippie lady didn't know what to say. Gross friend then said, 'So, you're not Christian.' As if she was scum because she wasn't Christian.

Thankfully I wasn't in this situation. I'd have decked her. Or at least pointed out that good Christians aren't supposed to judge. It's not like hippie mom was a child molester or murderer! She was a very nice, quiet, open-minded lady.

The second situation was when fat religious lady had to do a radio show with her new husband - they do some love advice show. The day fat religious lady did the show, there was a special guest - and special he was! A gay hypnotist (who I've heard on Dave Glover, by the way - a great drive time talk show on 97.1). Who better than a gay hypnotist to freak out fat religious lady?! She had a breakdown. She was pulling on her hair, praying to Jesus, and crying. It was completely hilarious. If you didn't see it, you should tune in next week - it supposedly gets better!

My point here is that I really feel sorry for people who are so into one thing they cannot learn about new things. Astrology is really cool. I'd really take that opportunity to learn about it. Are you telling me that God won't let you into heaven for learning about astrology and hypnotherapy? That's absurd. I just can't believe that.

If I was a religious person, I'd have been offended by this program. These zealots give all Christians a bad name. But they surely are funny!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

complete incompetence

I went to the eye doctor yesterday at Crown Optical to see about getting new contacts (the ones I have now are so uncomfortable). I called last Friday to see if I could just come in and exchange them, but unfortunately, they're nazis and I have to pay $20 for a fitting - just to exchange some darn contacts. Oh well. No point in arguing. I scheduled the appointment for today at 1:15.

I walk in the place, and a girl asks if she can help me. I tell her my name, and that I have an appointment at 1:15. She looks at the computer, and says I'm not on the schedule. She and another girl poke around for a while, then tell me I was supposed to come in last Tuesday, the 25th.

Normally I can keep an even head when people make mistakes. It's understandable. Not today. I said, 'Hmm. That's interesting, since I made the appointment on Friday, the 28th.'

The girl says they can squeeze me in today, if I can wait for another guy to finish his appointment. She totally behaved as if I made the mistake. I was fuming. There was no reasoning with this girl.

So, I wait for thirty minutes when I ask the girl how much longer it's going to be. She says maybe 10 more minutes, that she's sorry for the wait, but I wasn't on the schedule for today. I explain to her that it's not my fault - does she get that? She finally gets it, but offers no sort of apology at all. I can tell she's a total know-it-all, by the way she treats the other employees.

The doctor finally sees me, and is confused because the dumbass sets up my file as though I'm there for a eye exam. Hello! Luckily the doctor was incredibly nice, and pregnant, or I'd have blown a gasket.

And as I'm paying the damn $20, the dumbass girl has the nerve to ask me, in front of the doctor, if they were able to help me out today! I could barely squeak out an answer. If it had been cartoon land, I'd have had smoke coming out of my ears.

How do you schedule an appointment for the 25th on the 28th? How can this girl even function? Shit, they need to hire her at my previous place of employment. She'd fit right in.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


My 10 year high school reunion was this past weekend. How did I get this old? I chose not to go. Luckily my two best friends from high school didn't want to go either, so we went to Key West over Labor Day weekend instead, and believe me, it was a hundred times more fun than a stupid reuion could have been. That's us on top of La Concha hotel.

The way I see it, if there was a person from high school that I really wanted to contact, I could surely find them. There aren't many. I don't need to spend $85 to go and socialize at the freaking Sheraton in Westport. Please. And there was an invitation to go to the class president's church on Sunday, then have a family picnic in Queeny Park. I'd rather poke my eyeballs out than go to church with my high school class.

They sent out this stupid questionnaire so they could make a book, I guess. We had to say who our biggest crush was, our best friends, best memories, etc. Gag. I don't even want to think about that stuff about myself, why would I want to know these things about my classmates? I can't even remember half of them. I looked through my yearbook recently, and seriously, half of them aren't even vaguely familiar. I figure my class was either way too big, I was a huge snob, or the drugs are finally kicking in. Probably a combo of the three.

Plus, one of my best friends from high school and college died this year. She hated everything about high school, during and after. It didn't seem right to be there without her, though I'm sure she probably wouldn't have gone. It wouldn't have been right to make fun of everyone without her there to chime in.

I guess I wish I could have gone and been a fly on the wall, but to have to actively participate - make small talk, pretend to care - that's just too much work for a Saturday night.