Ernest Hemingway:

As Ernest Hemingway once said...
'All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.'

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

happy effing new year

Last night sucked. Thanks to either one of my two nieces or my nephew (I've yet to pin down the culprit), I'm sick. My chest feels like there's a balloon inside of it and it's expanding. Yuk.

Because of this, I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep around 11, then woke up, expecting it to be the middle of the night, only to find out it was only 12:30. It was all over then. Q was having trouble sleeping as well, so both of us were tossing and turning. He also makes this weird clicking noise when he sleeps, which normally doesn't bother me because he goes to sleep after me, but it was like a jackhammer last night. Finally I got up, kicked the dog off the couch, and slept there. For a few hours, anyway. The dog took my place on the bed. Apparently she's okay with the clicking.

I know it's bad when I can't sleep. My mom claims I slept all night every other night from the moment they brought me home. I can fall asleep in even the worst conditions. I've fallen asleep at concerts, movies, bars, sitting up, hell standing up - you name it, I can sleep. Cars are the worst. If it's dark, and I'm in a car, it's a 99% guarantee I'm sleeping. Which is why I won't drive during the night for extended periods of time. It's a death sentence, really. The one exception is the heat. God, I hate the heat. We had to live without AC all through college, and that was brutal. And our AC went out while living in Dallas (IN THE SUMMERTIME), and that was miserable. This was also the same craphole apartment that leaked water through the ceiling fan, which happened to be above our bed, and connected to electricity. Good times. Thanks, AmeriCorps and the government, for looking out for us little guys and making sure you took care of your volunteers.

So, work sucks, being achy, tired, and feeling like my chest will explode at any minute. And year-end is crunch time (well, their definition of crunch time, anyway) around here, so my bosses are driving me crazy.

Hey, has anyone tried that Airborne stuff? What is it for? Does it work after you're already sick? I'm trying to cover all my bases here. I really don't want to be sick for our big bash this weekend. My lunch break will be spent at Walgreens cleaning out the cold and cough section (and my wallet). Plus Hammertime and hubby are coming from Chicago, and I'm really looking forward to the samplers at the Schlafly Bottleworks. I love that place.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

rural po-pos

The best Christmas present this year was Q getting out of a ticket yesterday. We were on our way home from the in-laws (very small town in mid-mo), and he was going 73 in a 55. Ouch. I haven't had a ticket in a while (knock on wood), but I imagine that would cost a pretty penny.

I'm still in shock. Q had his earrings in, and is making a really funny face on his license picture. I also have 'Free the WM3' stickers on the back of my car. I doubt this cop had any idea who the WM3 are, but you never know. I would guess cops wouldn't be too happy with that if they knew what it meant. Back to the license picture. It's really funny at bars, and grocery stores, but I guess a cop would either think it was funny or hate it. I guess this guy liked it. Either that, or he liked Chay, who was in the back seat begging him for pets. Or maybe he was just in a Christmas-y mood. He said it was because of the way Q pulled over. Q knew, the minute the cop passed us, that he was a goner. Why fight it?

So Mr. Full-On-Country-Drawl rural po-po didn't give us city slickers a ticket. He effectively gave us a $200+ Christmas present (probably more, when you figure in the increase in car insurance).

We've actually only had good experiences with rural cops. Once, in Union, MO, at the Sonic, I locked my keys in the car with the car running. I have a very bad habit of this. Anyway, a cop was able to open the door with no damage whatsoever in only a few minutes. He didn't even charge us or anything (do they 'charge' for that sort of thing? I don't even know). And he was nice as pie.

Maybe people in small towns are just nicer.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

dear steph...

As some of you may know, I lost one of my best friends from high school and college this past May. I think about her every day, and carry around a little bit of guilt over the whole thing, so I thought this blog would be a good place to unload some of my feelings. Mostly I want to remember the good times we shared (believe me, there were many), and hope that this ability to unload a little bit will help me get past the guilt. So here goes.

Dear Steph,

I went to your grave yesterday for the first time since your funeral. It's such a nice cemetery, if such a thing exists. It's nestled in the middle of some huge houses, and very nice neighborhoods. You'd be impressed. It's about a fifteen minute drive from my office, so I can get there and have a few minutes to spend with you. I'll go more often now that I've gotten past the first time. I actually had to have someone from the office show me to your grave. There are no headstones that stick up - everything is flat on the ground. You'd have laughed at me - before resigning to go to the office for help, I first looked around where I thought it was. Where it ended up being was only one or two rows from where I stopped looking.

I stopped at Walgreens first, because I wanted to get something for you for Christmas. I hate those cheesy grave flowers, so I decided to get you a roll of Shock Tarts, your favorite candy. Except I guess they don't make those anymore, so I got Shockers. I'm sure it's the same thing. I thought you'd get a kick out of this. I wonder if a roll of Shockers has ever been left on someone's grave. You might be the first.

Q and I were at Best Buy on Monday night when we saw a poster (or something, I can't remember exactly) for Mortal Combat. I made some comment about how that game sucks, and he mentioned that he thought I used to like it. I then remembered playing it with you all the time on Jim's Sega when we lived in Columbia, upstairs, on Wilson. We both sucked so bad. That's why it was fun. It's stupid to play against someone good. Then I remembered how you loved playing Tetris, and Hammertime's PacMan Tetris game. I always beat you, but you loved it anyway. We had to relish our time with the Sega, as Jim would commandeer it to play hockey all day. Blah.

Q and I were also at CiCi's Pizza recently, and as I was getting my pizza, 'Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard' came on the radio. I racked my brain to remember why it was so familiar. After a few minutes, I figured out that you had it on a mixed tape that we listened to all the time while driving in your prized Prelude. I remembered that you used to do the whistling part. I was always so impressed, as I've never been a good whistler. I decided I need to get that song on a CD somehow. So many memories behind it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

ding fries are done

There's this drive time talk show host on 97.1 FM named Dave Glover. His show is hilarious. He always plays this song, Ding Fries are Done, around Christmastime, and it cracks me up every time. If you click on the link, you can hear it. The site is really creepy too, so that makes it even better. Makes me want a Whopper (or not).

love is...(warm & fuzzy post)

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:


"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8


"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4


"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5


"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6


"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4


"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7


"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

Emily - age 8


"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7


"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6


"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7


"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6


"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8


"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6


"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7


"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4


"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4


"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen - age 7


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6


"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8


And the final one --

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Monday, December 19, 2005

cremation, please

My mom just called me at work to tell me that when she and my dad die, no autopsy should be performed, and their bodies must get to SLU within 24 hours because they're donating their bodies to medical research.

Did I step into another dimension? Does this type of thing happen to anyone else, or is my family over-the-top crazy?

Her justification for this call is that she told my younger sister this information the other day and my sister looked at her like she was crazy. Mom wanted to make sure all of us girls knew this information so everything goes as planned when they die. She assumed my younger sis didn't know this information, and that's why she looked puzzled.

My guess is that my younger sister was shocked by the odd and sudden timing of this information, which apparently escaped my mother. I was also a bit shocked, but that faded quickly. My mother is known for these odd outbursts, and also lacks an internal notepad/reminder system, so when a thought pops into her mind, it has to be done right then and there before it is forgotten. This frequently includes being told things two and three times. I have become accustomed to this, and to odd phone calls in general.

I personally think donating your body to medicine is creepy. Necessary, yes, but creepy. I'd prefer to be cremated. Burn my ass up. Do not let me rot in a box underground. That's totally freaky, rotting for eternity.

The whole thing is eerie, actually, especially the timing (aside from it happening at work). The mother of one of my friends died suddenly this weekend. I can't even think about losing a parent. Sometimes I wish they'd move far away, (as I'm sure they wish about me at times), but the thought of them gone forever is beyond comprehension. My heart goes out to my friend.

(Mom, if you're reading, you know I love you. You're such an easy target!)

interesting quiz

I found this post on The Ruminations on America Project:

It is no longer a matter of being Republican or Democrat, conservative, liberal, gay, straight, rich, poor, smart or gullible in America. For the sake of easy categorization I propose two groups: those who believe that the law should be upheld, and those who do not.

To see if you’re an upstanding American citizen or a scofflaw, use the following convenient checklist to see where you stand. All of the following are based on actual current events. Write true or false next to each of the following, and tally your score at the end.

1. I believe that the federal government should be able to issue a secret executive order to spy on Americans without permission from, or regulation by, courts.

2. I believe that the Pentagon should hire contractors for the express purpose of planting fake news stories in Middle Eastern news outlets to spread false information about the war.

3. I believe that even though the decision to go to war in Iraq was based partly on manipulation and partly on a lie derived through the torture of one man, Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi(who later recanted the story about the connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda), that it was the correct course of action.

4. I believe that Congress should force every voting precinct in the country to replace their lever machines, even though Diebold, Inc.’s CEO, Walden O’Dell, promised to deliver Ohio to Bush in the last election and recently resigned under a black cloud of suspicion related to the possibility that the last election might have been fixed in some key precincts.

5. I believe that torture is acceptable.

6. I believe that those who disagree with the Bush Administration lack patriotism.

7. I believe that it is acceptable for the United States to use weapons of mass destruction, including white phosphorus and depleted uranium, to bring democracy to Iraq.

8. I believe that eroding civil liberties will prevent a terrorist attack.

If you answered true to any of these questions, you might be a scofflaw, with blatant disregard for the laws of this nation and the world.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

chocolatey goodness

My favorite thing in the world is chocolate. Yes, chocolate. I'm not exaggerating, either. I love it. If I could marry it, I would (I'd be a polygamist, but oh well). But believe me, I'm not discriminating against other types of candy. I'll eat it all. I could eat candy and sugary goodness all day.

Chocolate brownies, chocolate covered fruit, mint chocolate, chocolate sauce, chocolate mousse, chocolate truffles, mocha, hot cocoa - I could go on and on. If it's even remotely chocolate, I'll eat it. Unless it's no-brand chocolate from the dollar store. That I don't like. I do draw a line there.

My dad's favorite are raspberry cremes from Bissinger's. They cost $29 a pound, but believe me, they're worth it. They also have blackberry and strawberry cremes. Yum.

There's also a very wonderful place in downtown Columbia called
The Candy Fastory. They have all sorts of homemade goodies.

Q and I are about halfway through Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so I guess that's the inspiration for this post. I absolutely love the original, and the new one is great so far. It's just delightful, what with the most adorable kid, the most lovable grandpa, and the yummiest chocolate river.

Charlie, in the new version, is just the cutest kid ever. Now there's a great child actor. Not like Dakota Fanning - that child is the devil. I saw an interview with her on TV once. Frightening. Children aren't supposed to behave like that, like an adult trapped hopelessly in a child's body. Just the way she said things almost made me puke. I cannot watch a movie with that child in it. NO WAY. CB thinks I'm crazy. He likes her. He can have her.

Back to chocolate. I love chocolate. If anyone is looking for gift ideas, there you go! Buy me chocolate! The good stuff, please. Preferably creme filled. That's not asking too much, is it?

my house is full of dead skin (ewww)

Interesting Facts...(thanks to Hammertime)

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away froma toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton

And the best for last.....turtles can breathe through their butts.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

get your ass off my knee

There's this hawk flying around the trees outside of my window today. It's really cool. One of my bosses actually pointed it out - he thought it was an eagle, but I have my doubts. A hawk is weird enough, but an eagle? In Olivette? Doubtful.

It reminds me of the last time we camped with our vewwy good friends, V & CB. We were walking to the bathrooms and saw a huge owl swoop down into a tree. It had huge, black eyes - they looked like voids, like black holes. It was really cool, yet really disturbing at the same time. Owls are neat-o.

Lots of interesting things happen outside of my window. The closest house is a pit. There's crap all over the yard. Another house has two very cute doggies that play outside in the mornings. I see the school bus drive around and let kiddies out, and see when people are out doing yardwork. If you hadn't figured it out already, I'm not exactly busy at work. There's plenty of opportunity to observe the local folk.

On a side note, Q and I went to Frederick's Music Lounge last night to see Deadboy and the Elephantmen. It was a great show. We got there at 8:30, and it didn't start till after 10, so that sucked. It was a very interesting crowd. The singer from Deadboy was in a band called Acidbath (a very heavy band - you could probably figure that out), so there were tons of burnouts (remember that term? blast from the past) and other people generally lost in space and time. I had never been to Frederick's. It's interesting, to say the least. It's very small, and dark, and Frederick himself was collecting money and checking IDs at the door. There were bras, panties, and other unmentionables hanging from ceiling fans, plants, and anything else that would accommodate such things. These things completely belonged and seemed normal here - that alone says enough about the place. The only thing missing was billowing clouds of pot smoke. Suffice it to say, though I needed to, I avoided the bathroom at all costs. No thanks.

While waiting for an hour and a half for the show to start, I came to the realization that there are two basic types of people in the world - those aware of personal boundaries and space, and those who aren't. I came to this realization after having the same guy rub his ass on my knee repeatedly. Half of the problem was that the place was WAY too crowded. The other half I think was that this guy was very, very, wasted. He rocked back and forth constantly. We sat by the bar, on stools, so my knees happened to be right at ass level. I just don't get it. I would never let my ass rub against someone constantly. I'm just too aware of things like that. It was gross. This guy was definitely not clean. And this place was seriously smoky. My eyes are still burning.

It's like people who have to talk to you inches from your face (remember Seinfeld, and close talkers?). That is so freaky. There should be at least a foot of space between two people when they're talking.

Why can't everyone just be as nice and considerate as me? Is that too much to ask?

Monday, December 12, 2005

yum yum chicken salad

I thought I had found the best chicken salad sandwich in St. Louis at Great Harvest, but I was wrong. It's at Applegate's. This place is tucked away at the corner of Brentwood and Wrenwood.

It happens to be directly across the street from the St. Louis Bread Co, whose chicken salad sucks.

They also have great soup. Enjoy!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

free (well, not really) tookie!

Tomorrow Gov. Schwartzenneger is going to decide the fate of Stanley 'Tookie' Williams - whether he will die at midnight or serve a life sentence. I recently read a great article about the meaning of 'clemency', and truly hope his sentence is commuted.

Of course, I'm totally and completely against the death penalty, so even though I feel he deserves clemency, even if I didn't feel this way I'd want his sentence commuted. Did you, dear reader, know, that since 1976, 120 death row inmates have been exonerated? And that doesn't count the number of inmates proved innocent after their exocution took place. They are never officially exonerated. Incredible, isn't it?

Here's another good article about Tookie and the death penalty. If only all of our governors would commute sentences as Gov. Ryan did in Illinois.

And anyway, think of what will happen if Tookie is killed. Riots everywhere. There are a lot of Crips in St. Louis, in fact. Supposedly they are going to put all federal prisons on lockdown during the announcement of Gov. Schwartzenner's decision.

Bottom line, I think the death penalty should be abolished all together. I'm not willing to okay the death of a few innocent people in order to kill those who are guilty. Not even losing one innocent person is acceptable, and hell, we've already done that. Forget about whether you are a democrat, or a republican, or a whatever - it's wrong. The US actually spends more money to execute an inmate than to keep them in prison for life.

I'll have my fingers crossed tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

oh how I miss The Daily Show...

From MSNBC's 'Countdown':

KEITH OLBERMANN: I'm having it hard finding evidence of this attack on Christmas given I live near five minutes from the Rockefeller Center Christmas trees and all the stores are selling Christmas cards and the first recorded claim of an attack on Christmas was made by Henry Ford in about 1920 and I think the last 85 Christmases happened as scheduled. Am I missing something?

MO ROCCA: Well, Keith ... what you have is a lot of people in the media that are constantly emphasizing the non Christian origins of the things that we associated with Christmas. They will tell you that the Christmas tree was originally a pagan symbol of worship. They'll tell you the cross was originally a T square used by architects and carpenters. Which it was. Just ask Mike Brady, Ty Pennington or Jesus.

But the real story here for any who are willing to look for is worse than secularization, it is something I've written about extensively. I call it the drag queening of Christmas. The victims here are the trees. Innocent conifers that are uprooted and brought into people's homes and then they're decorated with baubles - really, jewels I call them and wrapped in garlands, which are basically boas and some people on the bottom put a little skirt. This is just ungodly. It's far from anything you'd ever find in the New Testament. It's virtually pagan.

OLBERMANN: And the trees wind up looking like Dame Edna.

ROCCA: Yes, exactly. To Wong Foo, thanks for nothing. We want our Christmas back.

OLBERMANN: Relative to the shopping ends of this, we did find one on-line marketer guilty of swapping out the phrases Christmas ornaments and Christmas trees and replacing them with holiday ornaments and holiday trees. The shopping part of the Fox News Channel where they were selling 'O'Reilly Factor' holiday ornaments with instructions to use them on your Holiday tree. And we revealed this on 'Countdown' and the next morning they had switched the item name to 'O'Reilly Factor' Christmas ornaments for your Christmas tree. So is it fair to say the Fox News Channel attacked Christmas but we personally stopped them in their evil plan?

ROCCA: Well, it's interesting you won this battle on the war on Christmas. And I thank you. Because now, I can decorate my Christmas tree with the very traditional 'O'Reilly Factor' Christmas ornament. Quite frankly, I was tired of festooning my tree with 'Hannity & Colmes' ornaments. It just didn't seem very much in the spirit and Hannity is such a grouse.

OLBERMANN: Also, if you put the two of them too close to each other they hit.

ROCCA: It's lopsided and tones fall down on one side and crash.

OLBERMANN: So if Christmas is attacked and defeated by conservatives, what will replace it? Are we going to get reruns of Dick Cheney speeches? What's the plan, do you know?

ROCCA: I think Christmas and Dick Cheney are equally controversial.
Real problem here is the salutation merry Christmas versus happy holidays. December 25 should be a day we all come together. It just so happens December 25 is also the birthday of actress Sissy Spacek. And who doesn't love Sissy Spacek? I love the "Coal Miner's Daughter." "In the Bedroom" was a little bit of a downer I think we all some go around and be greeting each other, Sissy Spacek. Sissy Spacek. I think it would be really nice. I has a nice ring.
Now, it's also the birthday of Anwar Sadat but that's a little bit morbid. Anwar Sadat, Anwar Sadat, it doesn't quite work.

OLBERMANN: If you go with sissy, though, you can get the afterlife and the whole religious aspect of it because Sissy as Carrie and the hand coming up out of the gravel pit at the grave-right?

ROCCA: Sure. And traditional pig's blood looks great on all celebrants.

OLBERMANN: It's a nice bright festoonish red.

ROCCA: Sure. Absolutely.

OLBERMANN: One other way this trickled into our discourse here, there's a radio commercial that runs starting Monday in Colorado and Wisconsin and West Virginia saying some judges have supported the radical agenda to end Christmas but not Judge Samuel Alito. To your knowledge, would he be the first nominee confirmed to the Supreme Court who had determined in advance to overturn Santa v. Grinch?

ROCCA: Well, his supporters are certainly hoping so. Look, you have Alito being linked to Christmas here. Now some people are going to object to the overcommercialization of the nomination of Judge Alito. And these people complain about that every year at this time of year. My beef is that the people selling Judge Alito this way are doing a crappy job of selling him. Go all the way and commercialize him. I say Tickle me Alito dolls, I'd say Cabbage Patch Alito that comes with a certificate of confirmation from the Senate Judiciary Committee or Xbox Alito. That's the way to do it here.

OLBERMANN: The television personality Mo Rocca. And we're happy to say that you'll be back with us (Wednesday) night in another of your many areas of expertise, perhaps your highest, the White House animal historian in you, as you talked us the release of the annual Barney cam video? Briefly, anything to look for in 10 seconds?

ROCCA: Look for a giant Barney scaling the umpire state building gripping Naomi Watts.

OLBERMANN: I'm betting he's going to come out and say we have to stay the course in Iraq. He's actually going to address the audience for the first time. That's the novelty. That's my guess.

I don't even know if Mo Rocca's even on The Daily Show anymore...probably pathetic life without cable!

what about the upside-down menorah?

Apparently the new thing this year is upside-down Christmas trees. When I read an article about them, I thought they would probably look extremely odd, but they're actually kind of cool. I wonder, though - do people actually hang ornaments on these? That might look odd.

Monday, December 05, 2005

you know you're old when...

This is a picture of my two adorable nieces and my handsome nephew. Aren't they the cutest? It's amazing how calm they look here. They do not behave this way when they're together. They're like crazed maniacs, running all over, screaming, jumping/climbing on you, and the like. They're very sweet though, when they slow down for a minute.

I came to a realization this weekend. I know I'm no longer a college student, but I like to pretend I am most of the time. It's not really pretending. I really don't feel my age (except when it's impossible to stay up later than 1:30 am - or possible, but only if I want to expose my friends to myself as a raving bitch). So here goes:

You know you're old when you go to parties with food.

Isn't it true? When I walk into a party with a huge spread (both alcohol and food), I feel old. And I dread the day I have to host one of these 'adult' parties. What happened to the good ol' days when a keg was enough? You had a party when you and your friends (or roommates or whatever) could scrape up enough money to purchase the keg, then reimbursed yourselves by charging money at the door. Sometimes you even made a buck or two. Everyone was going to stop at White Castles or Taco Bell on the way home anyway, so who needed food? The point was to get drunk fast. Food only got in the way. Now I guess it's there to sop up some of the alcohol in hopes of not getting too drunk too fast.

Both Q and I were dually impressed and repulsed by this revelation. Impressed because I'm not usually one for huge revelations (that I share anyway), and repulsed by the truth of the situation.

The party that instigated this revelation continued to hammer the point home. It was semi-formal (which led Q to shave a mohawk into his hair - he was going to shave it anyway, though - always the jokester!), had a full and very well stocked bar, great food, and great decorations. It was the ultimate anti-college party.

The host was a co-worker of Q's, so as far as we knew, the party was going to be only co-workers and spouses, sig others, etc. So the best part was Q walking in to a house filled with half social workers and half gay men (friends of the host). Needless to say, Q, with a mohawk, studded metal belt, and steel-toed Docs, caused quite a stir. Q has to look 'normal' at his job, so he uses every opportunity he can to shock his co-workers. This is only funny because anyone who knows Q knows that he's so not a skinhead whatsoever, and usually doesn't look like one much less act like one. He's the exact opposite. It was hilarious. Usually I hate parties where I know so few people, but I was delirious, what with the revelation, the wonderful alcoholic punch and full bar, and Q sticking out like a sore thumb.

I was pleasant, talkative, engaging in small talk, and otherwise so not like my usual self. The host's friends were funny and delightful, and who could forget the very drunk host shouting 'What happened to Baby Jesus!' and 'Did he put Baby Jesus down his pants?' Unbeknownst to the host then and possibly even now, someone put Baby Jesus in the chandelier. This could have been very offensive to a certain crowd (not me, of course), but here, it was just hilarious. I'm laughing now (internally, dear reader, so as my bosses don't think I'm goofing off) just thinking about it and the fact that it might be in the chandelier even as I type. Ahh, good times.

Friday, December 02, 2005

just in time for the weekend

Good advice, Bob!

I call mine the damned-scratches-all-over-my-arms-from-fanning-out-the-stupid-branches tree

Today I heard on the news (the news is like a car wreck for me - I don't want to do it, but I can't stop watching!) that somewhere, they're now calling Christmas trees 'holiday' trees. What? Give me a freaking break.

I also heard a news story about some school somewhere (good thing I really pay attention) that's doing a holiday performance, and they're singing a song about Hanukkah, a song about Kwanzaa, but they outlawed singing a Christmas song.

This stupid religion crap has gotten way out of hand. Seriously. I personally don't give a shit what you call your tree, and no one else should either. We should worry about ourselves, and how we are living our lives, raising our children, and making the world a better place. Not about what the Smiths down the street are calling their tree, or if they're singing Christmas carols.

I know there are people out there who are bitching about what the Smiths call their tree, and the fact that there's a nativity scene outside of a non-religious institution, while their children are running the streets selling drugs and other great after school activities.

The world would be a much better place if we'd just leave each other alone. Worry about ourselves and our behaviors for a little while. Once we're perfect, then we can start bossing others around and correcting their behavior. Alright?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

sleep tight...

I take it back. I previously thought that ticks were the foulest creatures to exist on the earth, but I was wrong. It's bedbugs. They're very similar, actually. They look alike, and both suck blood.

Apparently these things are making a comeback in New York City, running rampant through apartment buildings. Oh god. If I found one in my bed, I'd burn the whole thing. Take it out on the patio, douse with lighter fluid, and let 'er rip. I'm not that attached to the mattress, anyway. It was Q's, and I want a Sleep Number or a Tempur Pedic. Maybe I should put bedbugs on the mattress just so the above scenario can occur. Sounds like fun. I should throw in the couch, too. It sucks.

I've had two ticks (well actually a few more, but those hadn't embedded yet...shudder). The first was at my friend Shorty's house. It wasn't a big deal though, her dad just yanked it out. The second was obtained while camping after prom. Yep, just me, my date, and a sleeping bag. Mom and Dad, what were you thinking? Lucky for you, it was innocent enough. We didn't even drink (that was rare back then). Just slept. Maybe a little kissing. Anyway, I was skipping psychology class the next Monday when I felt something underneath my shirt, right below my bra line (apparently I didn't shower back then - my prom date was a lucky, lucky guy). I freaked out, and went to the bathroom to check it out, which lead to more freaking out. I left school immediately. My mom helped me get it off on the deck, with a lighter. Somehow, thank god, it worked.

Q had a tick a few years ago, and I managed to get the head caught inside of his body while tearing off the body of the tick. Who knew? I didn't know that could happen. It got pretty ugly for a while, full of puss (I almost put 'pussy' - I can imagine the ribbing now), red, swollen. Oops! I tried to tell him I wasn't good at that stuff. Honestly, ticks make me woozy. They're horrendous, foul, stinky, disgusting creatures. But he made me do it anyway. So it's his fault. No lyme disease yet, though.

I just spell-checked this entry, and the spell-checker didn't find 'lucky'. Sheesh, people, come on. I know that Americans aren't known for their grammer skills (remember 'y'all cum'?, CB & V? that still cracks me up), but at least put words commonly used in the English language in there.