Ernest Hemingway:

As Ernest Hemingway once said...
'All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.'

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

my inner disgust

I'm halfway through 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.  I'm going to throw out a disclaimer - I went into this knowing full well it wasn't classic literature.  It had been described to me as 'mommy porn'.  I didn't know much more than that, other than the enormous buzz out there about the trilogy.  And, I've read some crap.  I'll put up with a lot.

This is what I know about the main character, Ana (possibly some spoilers):
  • She's 22 (or 21, or whatever)
  • She's gorgeous and smart
  • She hasn't ever really been drunk
  • She wears Converse and drives an old beat-up bug (Bella, anyone???)
Sounds pretty good, right?  Hang on though, it gets weird/unbelievable:
  • Her best friend/roommate is rich AND the valedictorian!
  • She's never had sex, really been kissed, or even touched herself
  • So despite never having an orgasm, she has one vaginally the very first time she has sex
  • And magically she's an expert at blow jobs
  • Her 'inner goddess' often times talks to her subconscious (which, by the way, is sub the conscious, which means we aren't aware of it)
  • She rarely eats, and in fact, seems to have an aversion to it
So what, right?  Suspend your disbelief, Jen.  Sheesh.  But wait.  It gets better.  Or worse?
  • She rarely talks; instead, she growls, murmurs, whispers, muses, breathes (as a mode of talking, not surviving), mutters, and gushes
  • She often gasps, even when it's not remotely warrented
  • She blushes all the time; I'm talking multiple times per page
Seriously?  I'm willing to overlook the fact that the author laughs in the face of cardinal writing rules (I don't really think she laughs in their face, maybe she just hasn't been told?  But it's for effect, people).  But if any one of us met this person in real life we'd stare, dumbfounded.  She'd be the girl at the table in the corner of the cafeteria making weird noises and talking to herself.  How can I think of her as anything else?

Forget the fact that I unfortunately now know this started out as Twilight fan fiction (can I go back in time and un-learn that fan fiction exists, please?), and can only imagine Ana as Kristen Stewart, possibly the last person I want to imagine having wild bondage sex.

The worst part?  Just as I get into a scene (ahem) Ana has to go and do something stupid like murmur, or think oh my, or tell us her inner goddess is smiling or cheering.  Cut scene.  It's over.  Curtain down.

I'm going to finish the first book in the hopes that something redeeming happens (even though at this point a hundie bill would have to fall out from between the last pages to even start the process) and be thankful I didn't pay for it.  And try to keep my petty in check.  You mean to tell me this got published?  She just got multi-million dollar movie deal?  Where were the editors?  Are American women so unhappy in bed that they have to resort to this?

Oops.  Fail.  Okay, it's back in check.  To be continued...

(PS - 'inner goddess'?  I can't say it without sighing in disgust.  I think it's physically impossible for me to like a character who has an inner goddess.)

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